Why do you want to understand me? What makes you think you could?
[ She hates him and she hates herself. She hates that he's pushing on these buttons she doesn't want pressed. Maybe it'd be nice to talk to someone, but oddsa re it would just hurt. She'd just get abandoned again. The only way to survive is to be on her own.
I'll help you. That's what I want. In spite of all the fear and loneliness you've felt, you continue to persist in this world. Your will to live is something to be admired. You're stunning. You always amaze me.
But you're the only one who can find it. The choice to pursue happiness is one you must make for yourself.
Kaworu being forward as usual, but something about reading "I love you" with his phone number attached to the message.. really sends a heat wave traveling down his cheeks into his neck. He can't even respond for a while but merely cover his face with his hands and try to think about what he just read. His thoughts are a jumbled mess unsurprisingly enough; it seemed like recently there was too much to think about.. too much to try and understand. Why were relationships with people this difficult? Why was it hard for him to open up? Why couldn't he just say what was on his mind and be bold like Kaworu? Why was he so nervous about what others thought of him and how they saw him?
And then, when someone really appreciates him, he doesn't know how to act. It was stupid.
I really am worthless.
The message comes a few minutes late: ]
sorry, i had to think about it for a moment. i think happiness to me would be acceptance.. from other people. but lately, maybe happiness is just acceptance of myself.. but i don't know how to can even start with that.
do you seriously take joy in my existence? i don't know what i've done to deserve something like that.
oh my god, i lost this notif a while back... feel free to ignore this!
[ Past any deflection is the typical ruse. At the heart of it all is Shinji's fears: of abandonment, neglect, rejection, all of which arbitrate the same kind of fear. Isolation its own curse for how it's wracked at him.
And Kaworu, while not lacking in finesse, finds himself absent of a certain humanity that might appeal his claims better, falling insufficient and falling short of the kind of reciprocation Shinji might need— might seek out for himself, if only with a fledgling hand ill-suited to reach out for what he wants yet. A zero-sum game for placation.
In that small window between one message and the next, Kaworu finds himself at something of a loss in return when Shinji's response invariably arrives. ]
I do. I'll always feel this way.
But I believe that the happiness you've sought is something that lies beyond me entirely in this world. Acceptance is freely given, but not freely received. It first must come from yourself.
If you cannot accept yourself, then you cannot properly begin to accept others in return.
[ Something about that seems awfully.. intimate. But I mean, people have been telling him to reach out to people more often. Maybe it is a good idea, after all. ]
look at it this way. i'll be WAY more annoyed not knowing what you're talking about than i'll be happy embarrassing you. it's a good deal for both of us.
also come on i've trusted you with worse before. remember the dance training?
[If Asuka was looking for a sincere response, she wouldn't be Asuka. Or that blunt with Shinji, in general. She basks in making the guy squirm for a second before she realizes she actually got half right with that.]
you have a crush on someone else??? who??? if it's wondergirl i'm staging an intervention two people who don't talk unless you force them is not a valid basis for a relationship
[Ugh. Why is it always the worst case scenario. Every time an Angel attacks, something goes wrong. Every time Shinji actually has an opinion, it's terrible. Every time she tries to have a nice conversation with the guy she opens up her stupid m]
you're right. i don't like it and i can't help you. i couldn't understand that girl if i tried, and i'm a genius.
but i'll keep my mouth shut.
you do whatever weird nerd things you think will get her attention i guess.
[She had really expected the conversation to be over after her pre-emptive strike against Shinji's freakish doll-crush. The fact that he's still replying brings her usual feelings of wondering just what the fuck Shinji wants, socially, back to the forefront, mixing with her morbid curiosity and whatever the clawing feeling in her stomach is that she gets whenever Shinji and Captain Uncanny Valley start getting too chummy. The former two override the latter pretty easily. She can blame her innate intelligence for being too curious for her own good later.]
i bet you've liked people before.. you know.. really liked them.. how do you know if that's true or not? maybe you just like something about them or it's just.. a friendship kind of like?
i'm only asking cause a lot of guys like you.. surely you've liked guys back before.
other than being a playboy with the emotional honesty of a walnut, i mean. i should probably put a pin in that one until i turn eighteen if we're making this an honest conversation. other than him i don't really know. you just...feel it, i guess? if you like someone you like them. it doesn't pay to overthink it.
Hm. Making friends or just socializing in general can get pretty tough sometimes. So I can understand that! After all, some people can be really strange!
you got that right.. i wonder if i'm just not cut out for making friends with someone like the 7/11 clerk. maybe i need to make friends a different way.
Have you tried chatting with people online? That way you can still chat with someone socially BUT not having to worry about seeing them in person and get all fumbled up!
like in a chatroom or something?? something is really hard about being in a place like that where a bunch of people could read your messages... maybe if there's a way to talk to people one on one like this..
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TFLN: march 20th, 2020
asuka 1
i didn't say you were scared of me.
maybe you're scared of something else.
you're always so defensive.
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but i think it's important you need to know.
[ Lover's quarrel. As usual. ]
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i don't think this has anything to do with me.
it has everything to do with you and how you react to pretty much everything.
[ Somehow, he's not backing out of this. He's known her too long for that nowadays. ]
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[ They're both coping in different ways. They're both hurting. They just don't see it in one another. Not really. ]
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at least i wouldn't lash out at people like you always seem to do.
i don't understand why you can't even tell me what your deal is.
[ Nope. They don't. Just bickering teenagers that can't get along. ]
everybody keeps telling me to open up and trust other people more.. maybe you need to do the same.
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is that so wrong?
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[ She hates him and she hates herself. She hates that he's pushing on these buttons she doesn't want pressed. Maybe it'd be nice to talk to someone, but oddsa re it would just hurt. She'd just get abandoned again. The only way to survive is to be on her own.
So she rejects him. ]
kaworu
you're probably right.
but i don't think i'll ever find it at this rate.
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But you're the only one who can find it. The choice to pursue happiness is one you must make for yourself.
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i always amaze you? that's.. well.. i just think that's kind of a crazy thing to say.
nobody else is amazed by me. how can you say something like that?
it's not that i don't want to be happy.
it's just the fact i don't know how to be happy.
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Because I want to be truthful with you. I take joy in your existence. Your life has meaning. Are those strange things to say?
It's different for all living beings. To me, happiness is the words, "I love you."
What is happiness to you, Shinji-kun?
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anyway, WHAT.
Kaworu being forward as usual, but something about reading "I love you" with his phone number attached to the message.. really sends a heat wave traveling down his cheeks into his neck. He can't even respond for a while but merely cover his face with his hands and try to think about what he just read. His thoughts are a jumbled mess unsurprisingly enough; it seemed like recently there was too much to think about.. too much to try and understand. Why were relationships with people this difficult? Why was it hard for him to open up? Why couldn't he just say what was on his mind and be bold like Kaworu? Why was he so nervous about what others thought of him and how they saw him?
And then, when someone really appreciates him, he doesn't know how to act. It was stupid.
I really am worthless.
The message comes a few minutes late: ]
sorry, i had to think about it for a moment.
i think happiness to me would be acceptance.. from other people.
but lately, maybe happiness is just acceptance of myself.. but i don't know how to can even start with that.
do you seriously take joy in my existence? i don't know what i've done to deserve something like that.
oh my god, i lost this notif a while back... feel free to ignore this!
And Kaworu, while not lacking in finesse, finds himself absent of a certain humanity that might appeal his claims better, falling insufficient and falling short of the kind of reciprocation Shinji might need— might seek out for himself, if only with a fledgling hand ill-suited to reach out for what he wants yet. A zero-sum game for placation.
In that small window between one message and the next, Kaworu finds himself at something of a loss in return when Shinji's response invariably arrives. ]
I do. I'll always feel this way.
But I believe that the happiness you've sought is something that lies beyond me entirely in this world. Acceptance is freely given, but not freely received. It first must come from yourself.
If you cannot accept yourself, then you cannot properly begin to accept others in return.
asuka 2
can you blame me, though?
you're always saying mean things to me.
it's kind of embarrassing.. what i want to talk about. i'll start by saying that.
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tell you what.
i won't tell anyone what you tell me.
whatever it is, it'll be between us.
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you'd keep a secret that i told you?
[ Something about that seems awfully.. intimate. But I mean, people have been telling him to reach out to people more often. Maybe it is a good idea, after all. ]
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i'll be WAY more annoyed not knowing what you're talking about than i'll be happy embarrassing you.
it's a good deal for both of us.
also come on i've trusted you with worse before. remember the dance training?
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i mean.. i guess you're right.
but i just have this feeling you really won't like it.
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if you have a crush on me just come out and say it.
it's only natural.
[If she keeps making the conversation worse, surely he will get to the point.]
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it isn't that at all!
[ That message gets sent.
Then, panic mode: ]
i mean, not like people wouldn't have a crush on you.
it's obvious a lot of guys at school do!!!
but that's not what i was talking about...
though it might have to do with
something like those kind of feelings towards someone.
i'm not entirely sure.
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you have a crush on someone else???
who???
if it's wondergirl i'm staging an intervention
two people who don't talk unless you force them is not a valid basis for a relationship
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her name is ayanami, not wondergirl.
[ And then, that's the end of that text message. Because she's right and he's backpedaling hard. ]
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you're right. i don't like it and i can't help you.
i couldn't understand that girl if i tried, and i'm a genius.
but i'll keep my mouth shut.
you do whatever weird nerd things you think will get her attention i guess.
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getting her attention?
that wasn't even what i was going to ask you about.
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what were you going to ask, then?
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[ Shinji. ]
i bet you've liked people before.. you know.. really liked them..
how do you know if that's true or not? maybe you just like something about them or it's just.. a friendship kind of like?
i'm only asking cause a lot of guys like you.. surely you've liked guys back before.
1/2
kaji is what you call an ideal man, and there's nothing NOT to like about him.
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i should probably put a pin in that one until i turn eighteen if we're making this an honest conversation.
other than him i don't really know. you just...feel it, i guess?
if you like someone you like them.
it doesn't pay to overthink it.
charlie
probably.
but if that were the case, why did he even ask? i'm sure it's something i did though.
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[ And now, he's kind of reluctant to go into details. ]
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i wonder if i'm just not cut out for making friends with someone like the 7/11 clerk.
maybe i need to make friends a different way.
what would you suggest?
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something is really hard about being in a place like that where a bunch of people could read your messages...
maybe if there's a way to talk to people one on one like this..
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