Kaworu being forward as usual, but something about reading "I love you" with his phone number attached to the message.. really sends a heat wave traveling down his cheeks into his neck. He can't even respond for a while but merely cover his face with his hands and try to think about what he just read. His thoughts are a jumbled mess unsurprisingly enough; it seemed like recently there was too much to think about.. too much to try and understand. Why were relationships with people this difficult? Why was it hard for him to open up? Why couldn't he just say what was on his mind and be bold like Kaworu? Why was he so nervous about what others thought of him and how they saw him?
And then, when someone really appreciates him, he doesn't know how to act. It was stupid.
I really am worthless.
The message comes a few minutes late: ]
sorry, i had to think about it for a moment. i think happiness to me would be acceptance.. from other people. but lately, maybe happiness is just acceptance of myself.. but i don't know how to can even start with that.
do you seriously take joy in my existence? i don't know what i've done to deserve something like that.
oh my god, i lost this notif a while back... feel free to ignore this!
[ Past any deflection is the typical ruse. At the heart of it all is Shinji's fears: of abandonment, neglect, rejection, all of which arbitrate the same kind of fear. Isolation its own curse for how it's wracked at him.
And Kaworu, while not lacking in finesse, finds himself absent of a certain humanity that might appeal his claims better, falling insufficient and falling short of the kind of reciprocation Shinji might need— might seek out for himself, if only with a fledgling hand ill-suited to reach out for what he wants yet. A zero-sum game for placation.
In that small window between one message and the next, Kaworu finds himself at something of a loss in return when Shinji's response invariably arrives. ]
I do. I'll always feel this way.
But I believe that the happiness you've sought is something that lies beyond me entirely in this world. Acceptance is freely given, but not freely received. It first must come from yourself.
If you cannot accept yourself, then you cannot properly begin to accept others in return.
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no subject
Because I want to be truthful with you. I take joy in your existence. Your life has meaning. Are those strange things to say?
It's different for all living beings. To me, happiness is the words, "I love you."
What is happiness to you, Shinji-kun?
no subject
anyway, WHAT.
Kaworu being forward as usual, but something about reading "I love you" with his phone number attached to the message.. really sends a heat wave traveling down his cheeks into his neck. He can't even respond for a while but merely cover his face with his hands and try to think about what he just read. His thoughts are a jumbled mess unsurprisingly enough; it seemed like recently there was too much to think about.. too much to try and understand. Why were relationships with people this difficult? Why was it hard for him to open up? Why couldn't he just say what was on his mind and be bold like Kaworu? Why was he so nervous about what others thought of him and how they saw him?
And then, when someone really appreciates him, he doesn't know how to act. It was stupid.
I really am worthless.
The message comes a few minutes late: ]
sorry, i had to think about it for a moment.
i think happiness to me would be acceptance.. from other people.
but lately, maybe happiness is just acceptance of myself.. but i don't know how to can even start with that.
do you seriously take joy in my existence? i don't know what i've done to deserve something like that.
oh my god, i lost this notif a while back... feel free to ignore this!
And Kaworu, while not lacking in finesse, finds himself absent of a certain humanity that might appeal his claims better, falling insufficient and falling short of the kind of reciprocation Shinji might need— might seek out for himself, if only with a fledgling hand ill-suited to reach out for what he wants yet. A zero-sum game for placation.
In that small window between one message and the next, Kaworu finds himself at something of a loss in return when Shinji's response invariably arrives. ]
I do. I'll always feel this way.
But I believe that the happiness you've sought is something that lies beyond me entirely in this world. Acceptance is freely given, but not freely received. It first must come from yourself.
If you cannot accept yourself, then you cannot properly begin to accept others in return.